


I Don't Want A Lifetime Of Regrets

by EmerialynCodeVenice



Series: These Golden Walls That Divide Us [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Genie/Djinn, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, But Is Trying To Make Up For It, F/F, F/M, Guilt, Humanstuck, Internalized Homophobia, Jane Makes Mistakes, M/M, Temporarily Unrequited Love, These Golden Walls Side Story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:07:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23382058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmerialynCodeVenice/pseuds/EmerialynCodeVenice
Summary: Jane knows she messed up. That, without her, Dirk might have never left Jake. And she knows she messed up with Roxy too, ignoring her after the other girl's confession.But now... she finally has the chance to make things right. Or, at least, to try.(Spoilers for Chapter 16 to 18 of These Golden Walls)
Relationships: Jake English/Dirk Strider, Jane Crocker/Roxy Lalonde, Onesided Jane Crocker/Jake English
Series: These Golden Walls That Divide Us [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1507199
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	I Don't Want A Lifetime Of Regrets

**Author's Note:**

> This is a side story of Jane's POV and relevant to These Golden Walls Chapters 16 to 18. Ironically, she is the only of the very few POV in this story that only contains a few spoilers lol. 
> 
> Like, even Kanaya and Karkat have soooo many spoilers for Rose and Dave's individual arcs. 
> 
> As a side note, my 'R' and 'F' keys are broken so if you see words missing those two particular letters... yeah. It's driving me insane because I can barely type. This side story was already giving me issues as it was, I didn't need more! Though, this [awesome site](http://www.homestuck5.com/) was invaluable for making pesterlogs. 
> 
> Please enjoy!

Jane liked to think she was a nice person, but the number of people whose lives she had made worse in the past year contested that. 

Particularly given that two of those she had hurt so deeply were her childhood friends; individuals that she had, once, thought she would do anything for.

Anything but being a little less selfish, it seemed.

It had all started a year ago when Jake had called her from Tokyo.

While it wasn't that odd to receive a long rambling message from him every month or so (with calls being even more sparse the previous twelve months), the sheer _panic_ and fear in his voice as he described his sick companion was. While Jane had an inkling that Jake had been traveling with someone, the previous conversations had been too short to get a proper reading on just who it was.

Yet, when Jake flew to the Crockercorp's facility in Houston, Texas with demands for the best medical professionals the country could offer (a demand that, with the power shared between the heirs of Crockercorp and Skaianet, was one that could actually be met), Jane hadn't expected the pale, very sick young man that Jake had insistently carried off the plane in his arms no matter the offers for a medical professional to do it.

She also hadn't expected how worried Jake would be for this unknown man, a concern that grew as Jane and her medical professionals failed to decipher what the problem was. Not that Jane would say that Jake was uncaring, nothing of the sort, but her childhood friend could be a bit... discourteous when it came to noticing the needs of others.

Something that was apparently the opposite matter for this... _Dirk Strider_.

However, as the young man became healthier from his strange condition, Jane could tell that Jake was no less enraptured. Whether it be day or night, Jake waited for the other to wake. He even refused to leave Dirk's bedside, needing food delivered to him lest he would brush off eating. 

Then, when Dirk awoke... the look on Jake's face was like nothing she had ever seen. 

In all the years that Jane had known-- _had longed--_ for the English heir, she'd _never_ seen him so fixated on anything but his adventures. It made a... uncomfortable feeling grow in her every moment she watched how Jake fawned over his "genie boy" like Jane wasn't even in the room.

And then, there was that. The story that Dirk was somehow a "genie." Or, excuse her, _former_ genie. Obviously, it had to be just another one of Jake's tall tales, but for some reason this "Dirk" was going along with it.

Later, Jane would be... very ashamed with how she had let her bitterness and a misplaced sense of righteousness grow whlie she watched them interact with one another.

She supposed, if she was being _very_ generous, Jane could say that she was trying to protect her dear friend. That there was a sharp possibility that Dirk Strider was a liar trying to take advantage of the wealthy, English heir by going along with these impossible tales of magic. After all, hadn't he already enjoyed a year's worth of all expenses paid travel with questionable legality?

On the other hand, it had been possible that Dirk was... a very confused individual. If Jane really tried to make logic of Jake's story of how the two met, it was possible that Dirk had been a fellow explorer who hit his head while in this "Cavern of Hearts" when Jake stumbled upon him. The bump could have theoretically caused his supposed amnesia, leaving exposed and predisposed to go along with Jake's fairytale-like interpretation. If so, Jake was carting around a mentally unwell man who needed a hospital more than he needed another "adventure." 

This second theory was one that grew as Jane actually spoke to the blonde man. Dirk didn't seem like a bad person, and he definitely seemed to care about Jake if the way he held on to his every word was any sign... 

Jane had resolved that, while she wasn't willing to give up Jake to this stranger (though... that had never been her choice, had it?), there was no reason she couldn't help someone so obviously in need.

But then... Dirk had been gone, and Jane had been left alone with her crushing guilt as she watched Jake fall apart.

The Crocker heiress was brought back to the present as her phone lit up with an alert of pesterchum from its place on her office desk.

Or, more specifically, with a shade of pink that Jane hadn't seen in a while... 

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

TG: hey janey mind if we talk 4 a bit?

TG: about dirky?

Immediately, the guilt from before washed over Jane anew.

Roxy. Her best friend since childhood. Her best friend who had confessed romantic feelings for her a few months ago only for Jane to cruelly throw them back in her face.

It was really hypocritical when Jane thought about it. 

When the two of them first failed to find Dirk's trail after a week of private searching, Jane, full of dread that Jake would learn what she did (what she _said_ to Dirk that undoubtedly made him leave), had convinced her friend that they should respect Dirk's wishes and desire for freedom.

Something... something in her words seemed to have convinced the English heir, because he had stopped (even deciding to not tell Roxy the full story or have her search). The shame and guilt that Jane felt was nearly unbearable, but she convinced herself that this really was the best. That Dirk would find his own way and Jake would get over it. Maybe he would even stay home this time. 

And stay Jake did, but it was in no way for the better. Jane watched as Jake became visibly more lifeless, needing to muster excitement even with things that used to bring him such joy. 

Then, as time continued to past, he became quietly despondent and angry in a way that Jane had, again, never seen. He didn't show this face to Jade or Jane's little brother, John, but to anyone else... you would never think that this was the same Jake English. 

At first, Jane blamed it on Jake going stir crazy. It got to the point that she actually _asked_ him where he was planning on going next, becoming desperate to cheer him up somehow even if meant he would be gone again.

But then... he said that he wasn't going to travel anymore. That, in case Dirk ever came back, he wanted to stay in Houston. 

That... that he didn't care how long he had to wait. 

At that point, nearly half a year had gone by since Dirk had disappeared. It wasn't like Jane had thought that Jake would _forget_ his... traveling companion, but to just _shut down_ like this and give up the things he loved... what _was_ this? 

And then... there was Roxy, and her confession. 

Hindsight was 20/20, but Roxy had been an absolute angel during this time. She obviously knew that Jake and Jane were keeping something from her, and that it probably had something to do with Jake's traveling partner, but she didn't know the specifics. Even though Jane had been steadily neglecting the pink-loving woman more and more in her frantic attempts to pay attention to Jake, Roxy had never complained. 

Instead, Roxy had been supportive and always ready to function as a verbal punching bag for Jane's stress and worries. But, no matter how many cat memes she sent or smiles she forced, Jane realized now that their visibly breaking friend group must have taken a toll on the hacker. 

Jane doesn't really remember the confession that clearly (and how horrible was that?), but she knew that it had begun with one of Jane's spiraling rants and Roxy's desperate attempts to make her feel better. 

Somehow, Roxy had accidentally said that Jane didn't need Jake's love to feel better. The words had been like whiplash and Jane, quite rudely, had told her that Roxy had no idea what it was like to be in love with someone who felt the same. 

Roxy had been visibly hesitant before saying that... yes, she did know what that felt like.

Because she loved Jane. 

In some ways, a slap to the face would have stunned Jane less. At first, she couldn't comprehend the words. After a moment, she slowly, verbally, rationalized them, saying that she loved Roxy too (as a friend), but Roxy had only quietly explained that she loved Jane as a friend... as well as romantically. That it wasn't a joke. 

The shock factor lasted for a long while... and then came the _anger_.

It was like every irrational and hysterical thought had come at once, overtaking Jane until she was something unrecognizable even to herself. She had accused Roxy, saying that, if this was true, Roxy was trying to take advantage of her weakness!

It... it had only gotten uglier from there, resulting in Jane literally hanging up on her friend and blocking her on pesterchum. 

For a while, Jane held on to that anger, because it was all she had. She knew inside that she was a monster, that she had betrayed everyone in her life and was only making it worse and worse. 

And even when she finally came to her senses and tentatively unblocked Roxy... she never saw that pink text.

Until now. 

TG: look, i know dat u and jakey r hidin stuff from me with di-stri

TG: but i guess thats kinda fine cuz i alraedy made a mess of thigns with him so i should probs let him tell me on his own tiem

TG: *time

TG: even if hes soooo annoyin sometimes cuz i know hes hidin thigns that upset him!!!

TG: i have a point i swear

TG: im jsut trying 2 say dat i know that ive only known dirk 4 like a couple of weeks but im not going 2 let ANYTHING hurt him if i got anyshing to say about it!!!!!!

TG: *anything

GG: And you think that I would purposely hurt him?

Immediately, Jane wanted to delete those words, but sadly that wasn't a feature on pesterchum. 

Great. Jane's first words to Roxy since the awkward lack of real conversation at the Skaianet Gala were _that_. Because, really, it didn't matter if Jane meant to hurt Dirk or not because she had certainly hurt him regardless! 

Still, having Roxy reach out to her, even if it was only because she was worried about Dirk and not that she had any intention to forgive Jane, meant more than Jane could say. 

TG: no!!!

TG: its jus, i know that it wasnt jus me that he was upset with at the gala...

TG: like i said, dirk is... important 2 me

Jane hesitated. While she didn't know Dirk's full story (something she didn't have the right to know, but probably should to avoid making even a worse mess of things), she was aware that Roxy was apparently his reincarnated sister?

Jake had told her, obviously overjoyed that the 'kiss' he had seen between them in the parking lot was just a bunch of misunderstandings. Jane had... mixed feelings about it all, and there was still so much she was confused about, but she could tell that the connection between Dirk and Roxy was already unnaturally strong. 

GG: ...

GG: You mean he's like a brother to you?

TG: exactly!!!

TG: like i love jake like a brother 2

TG: but dirk...

TG: i dont know its weird but it feels waaaay longer than a couple weeks?

TG: but a good weird!!!

TG: and yeah i originally thought that it meant i wanted to kiss him n stuff

TG: (lmao u should have seen how horrified dirky looked when i tried 2 kiss him)

TG: (would be totally insulted if he wasnt so obviously gay lol)

TG: but its definitely not like that anymore or maybe even at all???

TG: nothing like what i feel 4 you

GG: Roxy...

Jane didn't know what to say. Well, she _knew_ she needed to apologize, but what then? She... she couldn't return Roxy's feelings.

Or, at least, she couldn't properly consider them. It... it wasn't that Jane wasn't now considering what it would be like to be in love with someone who wasn't Jake (someone who wasn't a _man_ ), but that she was still hyper-focused on Jake no matter what logic told her. A part of her knew that she needed to confess to him, to... to be rejected, before she could finally let go and move on. 

Until then, it wasn't fair to Roxy to attempt going down that road until she had this thing with Jake firmly resolved. Yet, Jane so fervently wanted to at least be friends with Roxy again.

TG: its fine jane

TG: or not really but like i dont expect you 2 feel the same 4 me no mater how much i luv u

TG: *matter

TG: ill try 2 get over it i swear

TG: and i wnat 2 be friends again but u gotta know its not just gonna go away

TG: okay?

What could she say to that? This really shouldn't be a conversation that was held online, but what could Jane do before she figured out her feelings? 

Internally, she resolved that she _would_ fix this. No matter what it took, she would find a way to make it right with Jake, Dirk, and Roxy.

And if that meant that Jake would hate her... so be it. Jane was done with silent regret and moping in her own self-pity. 

GG: I want to be friends again too, Roxy.

GG: Or not 'again' because you are still my best friend!

GG: Even if there has been some... distance between us lately. 

GG: I'm sorry for ignoring you, Roxy.

TG: !!!

TG: apology xccepted!!!

TG: *accepted

Jane smiled, a surge of warmth filling her. Already, things felt so much brighter than it had mere minutes ago. Truly, why she had waited so long to do this?

GG: So, what did you want to talk about?

GG: I assume it has to do with Dirk?

TG: yup

TG: i know dat dirky n jakey have some sort of 'steamy tordid affair' or somezing

TG: *something

GG: Roxy!

TG: or at least something like that cuz jakey doesnt ask me to make passports 4 jus any hot chick or dude he finds halfway across the planet

TG: which makes me wonder how di-stri even ended up in india anyway

TG: like he n rosie

TG: oh yeah do u know rose?

While Jane didn't know the girl personally, she was pretty sure that Rose was another one of Dirk's reincarnated siblings. _Roxy's_ reincarnated sister that she didn't remember. That only Dirk remembered because he had magical powers. 

Hoo boy, when had Jane's life turned into some sort of fantasy soap opera? 

GG: No... but I am familiar with who she is.

GG: Dirk's sister, correct?

TG: yeah!

TG: i just met her but shes sooo smart but kinda prickly like a cute little hedgehog

TG: or maybe like a spiky tentacle monster mixed with a posh noble idk

TG: even tho i totes know shed be upset to hear me say dat lmao

GG: Then what's the problem?

TG: the thing is he n rosie say dat they are sibs

TG: which they totally are cuz its so funny seeing how much dirky lets her get away with

TG: but like... they were separated when they were kids, ya know?

GG: Yes, I...

GG: I heard that.

TG:

TG: it really upsets me

TG: i know i can be a bit 2 feelsy sometimes but i jus...

TG: anyway i dont know

TG: life is really weird n dirky definnnitely has bad enough luck dat i can see him endin up in a different country lmao

GG: Yes...

TG: anyway!!!

TG: whatevvvvvvver happened did n i guess its good cuz dirk maet jakey!

TG: *met

TG: tho somethin happened between them 2 i know

TG: but!!!

TG: i know that theyre trying 2 fix it!

TG: even tho it doesnt look like its working out???

TG: its super weird but somethin keeps comin up

TG: reallly bad luck 4 dim

TG: *dem

TG: *them

TG: lol i feel like i made a pun but not sure how???

TG: maybe cuz dirky is so smart n _bright_ dat its weird to see him floundring? idk

TG: *floundering

TG: anyway....

TG: i want 2 help them!!!

TG: and i know u said u wanted to talk 2 him 2?

TG: so, like, why dont we like set dem up or somethin? 

TG: but we got to do it right

TG: i owe it 2 dirk 2 not screw dis up any more

Jane had a feeling that Roxy knew she was asking for a lot, to _purposely_ set up Dirk and Jake.

Undoubtedly, Roxy still knew of Jane's feelings (she had been chewed out pretty thoroughly for it, after all), but was willing to face Jane's ire once again just for Dirk. For the brother she didn't remember (Jane wasn't sure how Dirk would go about telling and explaining that particular fact, and she didn't really want to dip her nose in the topic without having more information). 

Though, technically, setting up Jake and Dirk wasn't _exactly_ what Roxy was asking her to do. Theoretically, the two women would just be ensuring that they would be able to talk face-to-face again after what sounded like a mess of scheduling conflicts (which wasn't that surprising given that their 'reunion' had only been a few days ago at the Skaianet Gala... it was unbelievable how so much could change so quickly, especially after the last year of stagnation). 

Yet... with how close they already were again, they might as well be setting them up. 

And Jane, well, she wasn't _okay_ with it, but she thinks... one day, she could be. 

Jane knows she messed up. That, without her, Dirk might have never left Jake. That Jake wouldn't have been so miserable this past year. That there wouldn't be this distance still present between her and Roxy even now. 

But, maybe, this would be the first step to making things better. 

GG: I owe Dirk too.

GG: How can I help?

**Author's Note:**

> Good old Jane. She has such potential and warmth when she isn't being so stubborn and stuck in her own ideals (which, well, I guess could be said of every character lol). 
> 
> And so we finally get to see the circumstances of Roxy's failed confession! Poor girl... 
> 
> And, again, thank you SO MUCH to Feshnie Fox for this wonderful commission: [The Greatest Of Treasures - When Djinn Dirk Met Jake](https://jove-bluh.tumblr.com/post/190993182668/commission-for-emerialyncodevenice-of-a-scene#notes).
> 
> Please leave a Comment or Kudos to tell me what you think!


End file.
